I have nothing fun or witty to say. I cant get past the tears that I keep running into whenever we get another update or tribute to those people killed at Virginia Tech on Monday. I am from Virginia and had my daughter not earned a scholarship to Missouri for gymnastics, her school of choice would have been VT. She'd have been a Hokie. (I should probably be thankful the Hokies dont have a gymnastics team though 3 years ago, I wished with all my heart that they did so she wouldnt be moving sooo far away.) Nik has friends at Tech..lots of them..thats a great in-state school...full of Hokie pride. All of her friends were safe and accounted for pretty early in the day on Monday. For that I was grateful...but not enough to make the tears go away. I knew none of the victims but as a mother, I have cried for everyone of them.
I remember 8 years ago...Columbine..I saw the news and then, along with many other scared, irrational parents, I went straight to my daughter's school and picked her up. She was safe, of course, but I was not. I could not stop thinking about how I had been able to protect her from harm as a little girl by putting her in her car seat or holding her hand when we crossed the street. I made her wear her bike helmet and taught her not to talk to strangers. That day however, while the parents of a dozen kids in Colorado faced an unthinkable situation, parents everywhere felt an unfathomable fear. We realized that we cannot protect our children from all the bad things. I am her mother but I cannot keep Nikki safe. The world is full of evil forces and the most I can do is make her aware, teach her caution and hope for the best.
After 9-11, Nik, more of a grown up by then, felt some of her own fear and mortality. She stopped saying goodbye to me on the phone. She never ended our conversations with anything other than "I love you Mom" in case that was the LAST thing we got to say to each other. She still does that and I am going to take her lead in this...I am gonna eat my dessert first sometimes, and I'm gonna call my best friend from elementary school who left me a message last month that I have yet to return. I'm gonna haul my "good" Noritake dishes out of the closet and use them for spaghetti tonight. That bottle of wine that I have been saving for a special time? Im gonna open it, curl up on the couch with the dog and call my daughter in Missouri... again.... and tell her I love her... again. It won't ever get more special than that.
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