The Five

Relationship Girl is all about finding The One. Single Chick gets better numbers --she is allowed The Five. Everyone is familiar with this game -- five people that you would get a pass to sleep with should the opportunity ever present itself. The Five usually consist of unattainable celebrities and so a certain comfort level is afforded even if you end up playing this game with The One. (Note: The Five should NEVER include anyone he knows personally. Bad form.)

SC started out picking the usual:
1. Brad Pitt
2. George Clooney
3. Johnny Depp
4. Matthew McConaughey
5. Bob Dylan

OK, so Bob Dylan probably is not on the standard list but sleeping with a legend is sleeping with a legend and, quite frankly, I think he's brilliant and worth my last slot. Hockey Boy started his list with the gorgeous Halle Berry and added Keira Knightley when I added Johnny Depp (it was the end of a 3 day Pirates2 viewing -- there were... ahem...distractions along the way) and I almost thought about giving Keira a spot on my 5 as well... (Brad Pitt ? I could bump him off I suppose)...and she does have that fantastic accent... but instead I decided to revise my list a little....stray from the norm. Seriously, how can I have a 5 List with no artists or musicians? And so here is my revised updated list (with a lot of help from Relationship Girl):

1. Albert Einstein - yes, I know he is dead but my chances in reality are every bit as good with him as with George Clooney. I just think Al might be a bit of fun to hang out with. "Imagination is more important than knowledge... " I think he might have had a fun wild streak... besides smart is sexy.

2. Leonardo - not DiCaprio -- da Vinci - Sure, he didn't star in Titanic but he DID invent the helicopter in the 1500s! (Did I say smart is sexy?). Normally, I'm not attracted to a guy with that much facial hair. Of course, I would love to spend the early morning hours under the sheets talking about light and art and painting and sculpting and find out if he really liked Dan Brown's book.

3.Bob Dylan - Yeah, he's staying on the list. I don't have to explain it again. It's my list.

4. Frank Sinatra - I have a thing for blue eyes... and men who look good in expensive suits... and drink martinis...

5. David Beckham - Hey, I AM a girl. Gotta have one athletic hottie with a nice butt.

Okay...so the revised SC list is every bit as fantastical as the original list and I'm not sure if three dead guys and one 66 year old rocker makes Hockey Boy feel any better.... but he still has Keira and Halle and they should be able to get him through... besides, he stands a pretty decent chance of being on RG's shorter list...

Hockey Boy

What does it say about a middle-aged girl (I just assume I will die when I am 88 so I am middle-aged now at 44) who agrees to go ROLLERBLADING on a date to impress a wine guy who turns out to really be a hockey guy?

His wine guy profile includes a picture of him in Rollerblades on the boardwalk. (Yes, ladies, that's him there.) I recall that I OWN Rollerblades. I may have, in an attempt to impress him, mentioned that to him at some point. He remembers and asks me to skate on my newly paved street with him. Now, I know what you girls who read my blog are thinking and yes...I certainly tried to use new relationship sex as a diversion and convince him that we could skate another day. It didn't work! So there I was...sitting on the front steps... lacing up my skates... trying to figure out how the buckles work...wondering if my decision to skip wearing pads in favour of looking cute was a good idea after all....and still trying to talk my way out of it.

Here's my background: I ice skated on a pond in my backyard until I moved south at age 11. I roller skated when I was a teen at the local roller rink. I am a former ballerina AND a Libra -- balance should not be an issue , dammit!

Here's his background: He came out of the womb with hockey skates on (OK...maybe not...that sounds painful for his poor mom!), he was a hockey star in high school and in college (some little school in Columbus, Ohio) and, apparently has skated EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE!

He will not let me fall, he says. In fact, I think that's what he was saying as I slide off the end of my driveway, flailing my arms, completely airborne and landed on my ass. It was a beautifully executed tumble and even the Russian judges would have given me a 9.85 for it. I bruised my butt, pulled something in my shoulder and damaged my ego. He did not laugh at me. He skated over, looked at me with those amazing blue eyes, smiled at me and pulled me to my feet even though I was pretty sure that that was not where I wanted to be. It was that smile that made me try again. He jumped over sticks and stones and I tripped on pollen particles and flattened pine needles. I grabbed at cars parked on the street to keep from crashing. I skated like a toddler learning to walk and he circled me in figure 8s and other higher numbers. And the whole time he just smiled at me. The neighbors came out on their porches for the evening's entertainment and while I was certain I would embarrass myself, I was grateful that someone watching might dial 911 for me.

The second fall was less spectacular. The bruise, however, was larger and today is blacker, bluer and sorer. I just laid in the street looking at the sky and wondering if I could make gravel angels if I fanned my arms and legs out. Again, he didn't laugh. Again he helped me up (and again, I wasn't so convinced that I wanted to be up.) He held my hand. He skated backwards and pulled me along. He was a patient and gentle teacher and when I declared myself done with my first lesson, he didn't call me a pussy. He made me cosmos to dull the pain and let me snuggle up with him later even though I smelled like IcyHot (which smells oddly like those little pink Brach candies).

So...will I do it again? Absofreekinlutly! I have something to prove to my middle-aged self (and my neighbors)... besides, ladies... how could I resist that smile?

Dualing Me

I have been kinda sorta dating again for a few years now. I am exhausted. I have cyber-dated, been hooked up by well-meaning friends and picked guys up in bars. I am torn, like most women dating in their 40s, by the fact that Relationship Girl and Single Chick (my two innner/alter egos) cannot agree on what I want in a man. You would think it would be the same thing....and yet....it doesn't seem to work that way....for example:

Relationship Girl want someone who will take her hand in public, hold her chair and open her doors. Single Chick is hoping someone will grab her ass and whisper lewd suggestions for later fun and games.

RG wants to share a glass of wine with a nice guy on the porch during a rainstorm. SC wants to drink Ghetto cosmos and shoot whiskey with beer chasers with a guy who can remember the punch line to a dirty joke.

RG wants to wake up and find a love note from her man on the nightstand. SC wants to wake up and follow the trail of her clothes back out into the living room...kitchen....um... front door.

RG wants to meet all his friends and bond with them as The One He Adores. SC wonders how many of his friends will actually hit on her while he's in the bathroom.

RG is looking for a guy with great eyes, a soft voice who tells her that he can see being The One in her life. SC is wants a guy with a nice butt, a flirty, wicked attitude who tells her that he can't wait to see her naked.

Relationship girl has been looking for awhile for The One (though she continues to tell everyone that she isn't). Single Chick hopes that The One can keep up with her (knowing that he can't be The One if he can't).

My eternal optimism keeps me believing that The One is out there somewhere (perhaps in a condo by the beach)... and he is looking for The One He Adores (instead of The One Who Stalks)... that he has his own Relationship Guy and Single Dude battles to deal with... I think it might be nice to double date with them.

Stoplight Boy

I knew it...my friend Rach knew it...and the relationship girl in me knew it... and the single chick in me wasn't paying attention because the new relationship sex was pretty good. He seemed so perfect for me but, somehow (and I dont know how I continue to pick 'em) it turns out that he is emotionally unavailable ...."still not over HER".... and he tells me this.....(wait for it)....by text message! Red light. All stop.

Two or three days go by. He is history and I am up at bat again on Match.com. Hey batter, batter, swing! And its a pop-fly right to an interesting and cute wine guy. There it is again...my eternal optimism. And then there it is again...his number on my caller ID.... "Its definitely over with HER".... green light. Go! I hear a voice inside my head (which was actually Rach who is a cop, btw, and so she knows these things) and she calls the light a flashing yellow at best...proceed with caution. Relationship girl reminds him that he is an idiot but she forgives him. Single chick gets excited about the possibility of make-up sex. Green. Green. Go!

UNTIL... uh-huh... I kid you not.... THE NEXT DAY....another text message..."not fair to you if I'm thinking of HER, blah blah blah". Red light. Red light and cross bars at an endless railroad crossing. ALL FREEKIN' STOP! Relationship girl declares herself an idiot, single girl is still enjoying the last puff on a post-coital cigarette (she knows they are bad for her but so was this boy and that didn't stop her) and Rachael is on her way over to take me out for cocktails.

So now I sit...idling at the light...looking both ways...wondering which direction that nice wine guy went....

Match Point

I am definitely a relationship girl cruelly trapped in the body of an eternally single chick. I have been sans serious boy in my life now for...um...(trying to remember just who might read this and have their feelings hurt)...well over a year. I have lovingly referred to this as a "dry spell" which is merely code for "why is everyone I meet a freak?"

Ever the optimist, I popped back onto Match.com recently for another 3-day free trial. (I said I was an optimist not a moron - I dont wanna have to pay for anything unless I see something worth paying for....im more just a browser at this point...a window shopper if you will). The thing about going through this process (again) is the vunerability of putting yourself out there. Waiting to be judged. Making sure that your pictures make you look like you have friends, a winning smile, and a cute wardrobe. Making sure not all of them were taken in a bar or at a party. Finding one with a picture of your dog...or a friends dog...or just a dog you downloaded a picture of from the internet. You create witty things to say about yourself and try to avoid any sort of real commitmment to walking on beaches or thunderstorms. (Note: most people are for them...hardly anyone is against them.)And then you wait for the emails from the guys who dont read a word of what you have written but merely think your pictures are exactly what they are looking for in a "soulmate": a girl...female...chick....being with bosoms.

If you have ever dabbled on Match.com, you know that you can also see who looked at your profile...and then didnt send you a wink, or an email or any sort of response at all. They didnt quite like what they saw. Sometimes I'm grateful. The NASCAR-loving fisherman who loves camping is probably not a good match anyway. And the Biblethumping non drinkers are gonna have a hard time fitting into my social circles so I get it. I try not to take it personally but sometimes I cant help myself. This time I noticed a cute boy that had not sent me so much as a wink. I read his profile. He's PERFECT for me! So it must be me...there is something wrong with me...Im fat or old or a paranoid schizo (hey I have proof!). ....so....that relationship girl inside me slips the single chick in me a $20 (she's single AND cheap apparently) and they send him an email behind my back! The three of us wait for a response...ball in his court. And it was a volley...back to me (us?). We email, we phone, we meet. Hes funny, sarcastic and actually looks better in real life than in his pictures. He seems honest and sincere and both the single chick and the relationship girl have their fingers crossed for me with this one. I just keep hoping that the fantastic "new relationship sex" that the single chick is getting doesnt run out before the relationship girl finds out he's a freak.