OK... Im back.... Nine new things...

A general announcement to the people who care about me... I have finally started rehab and I think its a positive thing in my life. I am finally ready to admit I have a problem and cut back on my addiction and hopefully it will lead to me being productive again and get me back to the important things like this blog. And to the people who made it so easy for me to be easy distracted and allowed me to lose myself to this hideous addiction I can only say... shame on you!

In fairness, and in my defense, I didn't see it coming. It snuck up on me. Silent. Stealthy. And consumed me to the point of sleeplessness! Anyone who has faced this situation knows what I am talking about. I have sought out professional help prior to now but perhaps until now I didnt really WANT help.... I mean it always made me feel good and who was I really hurting? But today... today.... I have finally walked out of the fog and made a decision... I will no longer be a slave to MySpace!

And so I pledge the following Nine Things:

1. I will limit myself to updating photos once a week.... unless I catch Marley in some ubercute puppy pose which, of course, everyone needs to see right away!

2. I will check my messages only once or twice a day instead of every hour... on the hour.... for 45 minutes at a time.

3. I will NOT respond to EVERY survey that I get unless its REALLY important stuff like "who was your last text message from" or "what's your favourite colour".

4. I will stop logging on to see if any one who works for me is also logged on while they are suppose to be working.

5. I will stop looking for just the right smiley icon to indicate my mood -- besides they dont have enough choices anyway... like where are "quirky", "underwhelmed", "perky" and "oddly superior"??

6. I will stop searching for the right pimped out, glittery backgrounds to define who I am... obviously a quirky, perky underwhelmed yet oddly superior goddess. There just isn't enough glitter out there.

7. I will stop sending "comments" to people who are actually in the next room (Krista), people that I text message all day (Rach) or people that I would love to hear on the phone (Jules).

8. I will stop replying to "friend requests" that are from people in Bumpkiss, NV who just want to share a secret way to make me rich. I think it's possible that they don't really have my best interests in mind.

9. And I will stop stressing over who's feelings will be hurt if they are not in my Top 10 Friends list.... and I will stop wondering why I am not in their Top 10 Friends list either even though I am certain that I am a much better friend then the 10 people already listed there.

And so there it is... my plan to regain snippets of my life and get back to blogging!! Hmmm.... of course.... I just realized... I will have to go on MySpace and post a bulletin to let all my friends know that I am blogging again... and I might as well check my comments while I am there....and post that last picture I found of us dressed like pirates... and it would be kind of impolite not to answer Misty's survey....

Damn you, MyCrackSpace!!

9 things you can do with a metal hanger

OK. I've been busy. I know I have not been here for y'all and I apologize. I understand my role is to entertain you. I have been remiss.
Now... having said that.... I got an email from Diane (aka the Kamikaze Killer) saying "I'd like to hear about wire hangers. I hate those things! They are the worst possible invention, don't you think?"

Well, heck no, D! They are a marvel of modern industry! Perhaps you are unaware of athe many uses of the wire hanger...


ONE: Of course, everyone knows that the most common use of the wire hanger is breaking into old cars. Not new cars mind you, just old cars... with mushroom shaped old door locks... and crank handle windows. The pre-slim jim answer to difficult auto entry.
Pure genius!

TWO: And speaking of old cars...what if you don't have a matchbook to jimmy under the 8-track tape in the player.. why sit in silence when you can use a good old-fashioned wire coat hanger as an antenna and at least get shitty am stations?
Brillant!

THREE: De-gunking the lint trap in your dryer. Apparently if you don't empty that often, it could start a fire and burn down your house while you are out! (Sorry, Jules... but it's a bizarre little phobia to have... which FYI, I couldn't find on the Phobia List anywhere... tho I DID find "Dipsophobia" which is a fear of drinking from which, luckily, none of us suffer.... but I digress...)
Safety!

FOUR: You can organize all your silk ties and scarves and... um... no... I am not gonna explain why I have a collection of silk ties to you people... you don't really want me to say it out loud anyway.
Kinky!

FIVE: Three little words: no cable channels.
Cheap!

SIX: Unless you have very skinny, long arms, you need a wire hanger for getting the dog bone that's somehow way under the couch... AGAIN... and is apparently SOOO much better than any of the other 9 dog bones which are located in the middle of the living room.
Convenient!

SEVEN: It will surprise no one that my favourite use for the wire hanger is the ever popular bubble wand! Step 1: Bend hanger into a heart-shape. (Don't ask me why... just follow directions!) Step 2: I have a heart-shaped cake pan (no... I don't bake... I bought to make a romantic meatloaf dinner in another life-time). Fill pan with water and dish detergent. Step 3: Release your inner child!
Fun!

EIGHT: You know that spot... yep... that one... right there between my shoulder blades... that itchy little spot where a lonely single girl (who no longer has a Hockey Boy around all the time) can't reach? Where's that danged wire hanger/back scratcher? OOOOOh yeah... that's better!
Satisfying!

NINE: Drying octopus in Indonesia. Yeah, okay, Sherlock... I had to cheat to come up with the last one.... like I have ever dried an octopus.... sheesh!
Um... ooky!

So you see, Diane, if it is mindless entertainment you seek... and I continue to let you down, you can always Google "coat hanger uses" and be amazed at the sheer ingenuity of the wire hanger!

Now the plastic spork.. that's my vote for worst possible invention...

9 possible blog themes

As I pointed out in an earlier post, I am a theme-less blogger....and, trust me, I am okay with that (underachiever that I am) but it has been brought to my attention that blogging can be a JOB! One can make money BLOGGING..... if... one has... oh, perhaps....a marketable THEME....that attracts readers.... and thus sponsors. I have to say that I like the flexi-blogger schedule and so I am gonna look into this...
Here is a list of things I'm tossing about...

1. Stuff my Dog Ate Blog: This would have to be interactive with people sending stories and pics of stuff their dogs ate since I am quickly running outta stuff for my dog to eat and he will, finally, have to resort to that stuff I keep in his bowl... you know...the DOG FOOD and that doesn't make for an interesting blog after the first couple of days.
Possible sponsors: Dr. Scholl's and Purina

2. Dead Roadside Animals I have Known Blog: This could also be interactive with people sending stories and pics of stuff they found on the side of the road. It might be more popular with people who live in areas where one can actually hit stuff other than people. NYCers will not get this. Everyone in Upstate NY will start digging through boxes of photos.
Possible sponsors: AAA and any restaurant in West Virginia.

3. Blogging for Beer: I could write reviews of a different beer everyday. Oh wait... I don't really drink beer. Hm... perhaps Cosmo reviews. Oh wait... what would I write on the second day? And would I even remember to blog on the third day? So..um...maybe no....
Possible sponsors: AA and any Karaoke bar.

4. Things I Overheard in a Bar Blog: Actually Rach and I could co-blog this one. She has ears like a dog (in ability not in shape). We could start with the one where the guy tells Rach (aka Officer L.) about his brother sending a $400 bong from Amsterdam through the mail or the guy who admitted to defecating in his pants on occasion. Upside is that all research would be in a BAR. Downside is that research could lead to a pricey BAR TAB.
Possible sponsors: Goodfellas or The TapHouse.

5. Drunk Food Blog: OK, that's as close to a cooking blog as I could come... unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that the people who are logging onto the web at 3:00 am are hardly ever looking for a good drunk food recipe...
Possible sponsors: Jack Daniels and Trojan

6. Bad Internet Dating Dates Blog: Heck I have enough stories to tell without making this one interactive for awhile... I could start with the guy who hacked my computer... the guy who took the plate of sample shrimp from the grocery store.... the guy who....guess I should save something for the blog. Hockey Boy could guest blog with his own stories.
Possible sponsors: Think I could get Match.com to be a sponsor? Ahem.

7. On-hold Muzak Review Blog: Can I just say that a utility that makes you wait 10-20 minutes before talking to a human (who inevitably will have an Indian accent) should be held to a higher standard of muzak? Who are the people who write this bland, quasi- jazzish "music"? I think people wanna know this kind of stuff.
Possible sponsors: Time Life Hits of Boxcar Willie or Sprint.

8. A Day in the Life of... Blog: Each day I pick a different celebrity and tell the readers what I think it would be like to be them. If I can't find interesting people, I'll make them up. Might be easier to do that anyway since the rehab centers probably wont give me visitation privileges.
Possible sponsors: See #5

9. Dumb Stuff I Did Today Blog: Oh wait... that's kinda what I do now....

9 things that make me smile...

1. Little girls in supermarkets wearing tutus: Extra smiles if cowboy boots are an accessory to the tutu. You almost have to laugh out loud when you realize that her mom is saving up for a bigger, more important fight sometime in the future (like a tramp stamp tattoo or dating the guy with the bone through his nose) than what to wear to the grocery store. Smart lady. (And when/why did I stop feeling like wearing a tutu to the store?)

2. Sidewalk chalk art: I love any type of creative drawing and even when you see abandoned sidewalk drawings...if you are very quite...you can hear the giggling. Shh. Listen....

3. Lemonade stands on the corner: Just have to love when capitalism meets Skippy, the neighbor's kid. Buy a glass. Ask for a refill. Someday all of this will be his. Best to suck up now.

4. Bikers who strap stuffed animals to their Harleys: Its always the biggest, baddest, long-haired, tattooed biker too. And a it's fuzzy teddy bear... sometimes in a matching Harley jacket. I'm not sure what the deal is but I will say that it never fails to make me smile. Ever.

5. Bubbles: I love to blow bubbles. Marley, my used pup, loves to chase bubbles. We are both, obviously, easily amused. You see bubbles at weddings now instead of rice (is that exploding bird thing even real or just a myth created by the people who have to sweep up after?). Point being...I think bubbles are good, clean (haha) fun.

6. Moms wearing macaroni necklaces: Usually seen for a few days after Mother's Day. The more glitter on the macaroni... the bigger the smile from me.

7. Baby anythings: puppies, ducklings, even humans...as long as they are someone else's...and sleeping...awwwww

8. Big guys with little dogs: Somewhere on a couch, amid the bonbons, sits a princess who has that guy so whipped that he is willing to "walk" her precious pooch in public. Hey, musclehead... a chiwawa or a min pin can NOT be macho even if she name him "Brutus"... which she didn't... so you have to call him "Boopsie"...even in public.. hehehe

9. Well thought out vanity plates: I"m not talking RED CAR or BOBS VW here... personally I think you should be able to shoot those guys with BB GUNS. I'm talking something that makes me think... challenges me while I'm stuck in traffic in a car with no A/C and no radio... My personal best was WUDA BCH (which the DMV girl thought was "wooooo da beach" which is NOT what anyone who knows me thought). Hockey Boy once had PINOT NV (remember he used to be Wine Guy). How about this one...GR82SH? OK, you 8 faithful readers... whatcha got?... go ahead, make me smile....

9 Essential travel supplies

My beautiful daughter drove home from Columbia, MO last week for a brief break before summer classes start. And since I taught her everything she knows about road trips, I got to thinking about travel necessities. Since most of you, six dear readers, have never had the privilege of being on a road trip with me, you may be lacking in the travel readiness department and I cannot, in any good consciousness, let that happen....so may I present...P's 9 travel essentials:

1. Chocolate donuts - aka "little plastic donuts". These are the perfect start to a road trip. The car isn't warm enough for them to get melty yet and there are exactly the perfect number in the package. Don't go for the boxed size unless you have a car full of people. Trust me you will eat as many of them as you have. Note: these little plastic tasting donuts are also good for hangover food but otherwise skip them or at least save time by rubbing them directly on your thighs.

2. A HUGE pizza - This is great travel food because you can enjoy it warm and then cold all day long. When you stop for the night you can eat it and then it makes a delightful breakfast on Day 2. Pizza, once again, proving that it is the perfect food.

3. Dog treats and a leash - This is essential even if you are not traveling with a dog. You never know when the universe will notice that you are traveling without a dog and present you with one on the side of the highway.

4. Six pack cooler - Obvious, of course, but here is what should be IN the cooler. Two bottles of water (one for me and one for my '97 Jetta), one beer (that's for when you stop for the day and are going to unwind in your hotel before you go in search of the closest liquor store ---the same theory as eating before grocery shopping), 3 cans of Sugar-free Red Bull (makes up for the chocolate donuts - your thighs will thank you)

5. A towel - NEVER travel without a towel...even short distances. If you have no idea why its important, you obviously are remiss in your literary journey and missed the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe (http://www.towelday.kojv.net/)

6. Little Black Book - I know you have all your numbers stored in your phone. I also know that you left your phone charger plugged in the wall at home. You will need to be able to call people along the journey for a variety of things: to pick you up when you break a doohicky belt and the garage cant order Jetta parts until Monday, to borrow bail money for excessive public /insert your specific vice here/, or to have someone fed ex you the freekin' phone charger.

7. Map - (and, apparently, this really should be a map of the place where you actually are or are going). Those of you with fancy schmancy GPS systems, can afford to be on a plane. Get off the road.

8. Coins for tolls - unlike McDonald's they wont usually take your debit card for $0.35

9. Lots of music - in the format of your choice (FM radio on the road is incredibly iffy -- unless you adore 80's music - which I do). I don't recommend books on tape (hard to look at the pictures while driving).

I will remind you, my 6 loyal readers, to take the road less travelled... though often it's less travelled for a good reason. Also that it is the journey that is important, not the destination...which is a good attitude to have if you forget #7.

9 things that smell like summer to me...

1. Mojitos - I'm from the South...i dunno if you other people (phrase meaning ALL non-Southerners) even drink Mojitos but there something about the smell of the crushed mint (which I am told is done quite humanely) that makes me wish I had a veranda and a BFF named Scarlett.

2. Cut grass - I probably don't need to point out that this is the smell of the neighbour's cut grass...not mine...since my grass is part of an agricultural experiment gone horribly awry.

3. Coconuts - as in tanning oils AND umbrella drinks. No real difference there except too many umbrella drinks may cause you to forget the tanning oil and then the only thing you can smell is your own burning flesh (but I digress).

4. Sweat - which I wish was eminating from a sexy shirtless cabana boy named Raoul but instead is coming from a fat salesman from Minnesota named Ned who is two towels away from me on the beach but sadly upwind.

5. Seagull poop - yeah yeah... you other people may not know the smell but other similar version can be found in NYC (pigeon poop) and Capistrano (What? You thought swallows didn't poop?)

6. Carny food - This envelopes all the fried food that you get at outdoor events in the summer and includes (but is not limited to) corn dogs, funnel cake and fried twinkies. Its the same grease, regardless of selection, and its the same smell and I want one of each, thankyouverymuch!

7. Testosterone - A smell for all season actually though the summer version (when mixed with #4) is perhaps the most potent. Usually found at popular athletic events such as beach volleyball, baseball, and keg throwing.

8. Jetta engine - This would be the smell of my sporty little 10 yr old import overheating. Where does the water go anyway?

9. Vinyl - As in beach balls, floaties, pool chairs, fake palm trees and anything else which requires Herculean lung-power to huff and/or puff to inflate. May also include the blow-up mattress in the guest room of my apartment which is a popular resort destination only because i live 10 minutes from sand and water and I make a fabulous #1.