9 things you can do with a metal hanger

OK. I've been busy. I know I have not been here for y'all and I apologize. I understand my role is to entertain you. I have been remiss.
Now... having said that.... I got an email from Diane (aka the Kamikaze Killer) saying "I'd like to hear about wire hangers. I hate those things! They are the worst possible invention, don't you think?"

Well, heck no, D! They are a marvel of modern industry! Perhaps you are unaware of athe many uses of the wire hanger...


ONE: Of course, everyone knows that the most common use of the wire hanger is breaking into old cars. Not new cars mind you, just old cars... with mushroom shaped old door locks... and crank handle windows. The pre-slim jim answer to difficult auto entry.
Pure genius!

TWO: And speaking of old cars...what if you don't have a matchbook to jimmy under the 8-track tape in the player.. why sit in silence when you can use a good old-fashioned wire coat hanger as an antenna and at least get shitty am stations?
Brillant!

THREE: De-gunking the lint trap in your dryer. Apparently if you don't empty that often, it could start a fire and burn down your house while you are out! (Sorry, Jules... but it's a bizarre little phobia to have... which FYI, I couldn't find on the Phobia List anywhere... tho I DID find "Dipsophobia" which is a fear of drinking from which, luckily, none of us suffer.... but I digress...)
Safety!

FOUR: You can organize all your silk ties and scarves and... um... no... I am not gonna explain why I have a collection of silk ties to you people... you don't really want me to say it out loud anyway.
Kinky!

FIVE: Three little words: no cable channels.
Cheap!

SIX: Unless you have very skinny, long arms, you need a wire hanger for getting the dog bone that's somehow way under the couch... AGAIN... and is apparently SOOO much better than any of the other 9 dog bones which are located in the middle of the living room.
Convenient!

SEVEN: It will surprise no one that my favourite use for the wire hanger is the ever popular bubble wand! Step 1: Bend hanger into a heart-shape. (Don't ask me why... just follow directions!) Step 2: I have a heart-shaped cake pan (no... I don't bake... I bought to make a romantic meatloaf dinner in another life-time). Fill pan with water and dish detergent. Step 3: Release your inner child!
Fun!

EIGHT: You know that spot... yep... that one... right there between my shoulder blades... that itchy little spot where a lonely single girl (who no longer has a Hockey Boy around all the time) can't reach? Where's that danged wire hanger/back scratcher? OOOOOh yeah... that's better!
Satisfying!

NINE: Drying octopus in Indonesia. Yeah, okay, Sherlock... I had to cheat to come up with the last one.... like I have ever dried an octopus.... sheesh!
Um... ooky!

So you see, Diane, if it is mindless entertainment you seek... and I continue to let you down, you can always Google "coat hanger uses" and be amazed at the sheer ingenuity of the wire hanger!

Now the plastic spork.. that's my vote for worst possible invention...

A joke from Rach

A Man goes to dentist to have his tooth pulled.
The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.

"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles."

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.

"No gas, please the mask on my face is
suffocating to me."

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No" said the patient "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill."

"It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

Thanks, Rach! LOL...and yes I realize that the only other joke I have passed on in my blog was also penis-related... I'm sure that says something about me or my sense of humour....

I've Got Mail

Okay... so here's the bad news....there seems to be a problem with my Pay Pal account and I need to spend some time sending out personal bank info to get it all straightened out. Of course, I am shocked by this turn of events as I gave up my Pay Pal account when I completed the 12 step program to beat my eBay addiction. The email goes on to say: "If you choose to ignore our request, you leave us no choice but to temporaly suspend your account." Can they do that?! Temporaly? I had no idea!

But, hey, it wasn't all bad....The good news is that apparently I have won some international lottery and will soon be rolling in 1 million euros! Thanks to the whole Pay Pal debacle, I will have already come up with the personal bank info that they need in order to put that moolah in my account. And.... then I can use all my new money on that good deal I just got offered on Viagra to make my penis hard all night...

9 possible blog themes

As I pointed out in an earlier post, I am a theme-less blogger....and, trust me, I am okay with that (underachiever that I am) but it has been brought to my attention that blogging can be a JOB! One can make money BLOGGING..... if... one has... oh, perhaps....a marketable THEME....that attracts readers.... and thus sponsors. I have to say that I like the flexi-blogger schedule and so I am gonna look into this...
Here is a list of things I'm tossing about...

1. Stuff my Dog Ate Blog: This would have to be interactive with people sending stories and pics of stuff their dogs ate since I am quickly running outta stuff for my dog to eat and he will, finally, have to resort to that stuff I keep in his bowl... you know...the DOG FOOD and that doesn't make for an interesting blog after the first couple of days.
Possible sponsors: Dr. Scholl's and Purina

2. Dead Roadside Animals I have Known Blog: This could also be interactive with people sending stories and pics of stuff they found on the side of the road. It might be more popular with people who live in areas where one can actually hit stuff other than people. NYCers will not get this. Everyone in Upstate NY will start digging through boxes of photos.
Possible sponsors: AAA and any restaurant in West Virginia.

3. Blogging for Beer: I could write reviews of a different beer everyday. Oh wait... I don't really drink beer. Hm... perhaps Cosmo reviews. Oh wait... what would I write on the second day? And would I even remember to blog on the third day? So..um...maybe no....
Possible sponsors: AA and any Karaoke bar.

4. Things I Overheard in a Bar Blog: Actually Rach and I could co-blog this one. She has ears like a dog (in ability not in shape). We could start with the one where the guy tells Rach (aka Officer L.) about his brother sending a $400 bong from Amsterdam through the mail or the guy who admitted to defecating in his pants on occasion. Upside is that all research would be in a BAR. Downside is that research could lead to a pricey BAR TAB.
Possible sponsors: Goodfellas or The TapHouse.

5. Drunk Food Blog: OK, that's as close to a cooking blog as I could come... unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that the people who are logging onto the web at 3:00 am are hardly ever looking for a good drunk food recipe...
Possible sponsors: Jack Daniels and Trojan

6. Bad Internet Dating Dates Blog: Heck I have enough stories to tell without making this one interactive for awhile... I could start with the guy who hacked my computer... the guy who took the plate of sample shrimp from the grocery store.... the guy who....guess I should save something for the blog. Hockey Boy could guest blog with his own stories.
Possible sponsors: Think I could get Match.com to be a sponsor? Ahem.

7. On-hold Muzak Review Blog: Can I just say that a utility that makes you wait 10-20 minutes before talking to a human (who inevitably will have an Indian accent) should be held to a higher standard of muzak? Who are the people who write this bland, quasi- jazzish "music"? I think people wanna know this kind of stuff.
Possible sponsors: Time Life Hits of Boxcar Willie or Sprint.

8. A Day in the Life of... Blog: Each day I pick a different celebrity and tell the readers what I think it would be like to be them. If I can't find interesting people, I'll make them up. Might be easier to do that anyway since the rehab centers probably wont give me visitation privileges.
Possible sponsors: See #5

9. Dumb Stuff I Did Today Blog: Oh wait... that's kinda what I do now....

What did he say?

You know that Daughtry song "Home"? Of course you do... it has been played every half hour on every radio station on the planet for ages now... and it was the kiss off song on American Idol which you know you watched even after our local boy Chris Whatshisname was kicked off.

Well last week one of my precious little summer art campers was singing along:

"Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get IT ALL
you just might get IT ALL..."

Except she actually sang:
"Be careful what you wish for
cause you just might get A DOG
you just might get A DOG..."

As the owner of a outofcontrol, areyoutalkingtome used pup, I have to say, singing the new version in my head has made it easier for me to listen to it play 20 times a day...

9 things that make me smile...

1. Little girls in supermarkets wearing tutus: Extra smiles if cowboy boots are an accessory to the tutu. You almost have to laugh out loud when you realize that her mom is saving up for a bigger, more important fight sometime in the future (like a tramp stamp tattoo or dating the guy with the bone through his nose) than what to wear to the grocery store. Smart lady. (And when/why did I stop feeling like wearing a tutu to the store?)

2. Sidewalk chalk art: I love any type of creative drawing and even when you see abandoned sidewalk drawings...if you are very quite...you can hear the giggling. Shh. Listen....

3. Lemonade stands on the corner: Just have to love when capitalism meets Skippy, the neighbor's kid. Buy a glass. Ask for a refill. Someday all of this will be his. Best to suck up now.

4. Bikers who strap stuffed animals to their Harleys: Its always the biggest, baddest, long-haired, tattooed biker too. And a it's fuzzy teddy bear... sometimes in a matching Harley jacket. I'm not sure what the deal is but I will say that it never fails to make me smile. Ever.

5. Bubbles: I love to blow bubbles. Marley, my used pup, loves to chase bubbles. We are both, obviously, easily amused. You see bubbles at weddings now instead of rice (is that exploding bird thing even real or just a myth created by the people who have to sweep up after?). Point being...I think bubbles are good, clean (haha) fun.

6. Moms wearing macaroni necklaces: Usually seen for a few days after Mother's Day. The more glitter on the macaroni... the bigger the smile from me.

7. Baby anythings: puppies, ducklings, even humans...as long as they are someone else's...and sleeping...awwwww

8. Big guys with little dogs: Somewhere on a couch, amid the bonbons, sits a princess who has that guy so whipped that he is willing to "walk" her precious pooch in public. Hey, musclehead... a chiwawa or a min pin can NOT be macho even if she name him "Brutus"... which she didn't... so you have to call him "Boopsie"...even in public.. hehehe

9. Well thought out vanity plates: I"m not talking RED CAR or BOBS VW here... personally I think you should be able to shoot those guys with BB GUNS. I'm talking something that makes me think... challenges me while I'm stuck in traffic in a car with no A/C and no radio... My personal best was WUDA BCH (which the DMV girl thought was "wooooo da beach" which is NOT what anyone who knows me thought). Hockey Boy once had PINOT NV (remember he used to be Wine Guy). How about this one...GR82SH? OK, you 8 faithful readers... whatcha got?... go ahead, make me smile....

Shameless self promotion

I have a new page just for my art at myartspace.com

(okay... so the url is actually http://www.myartspace.com/artistInfo.do?populatinglist=home&subscriberid=20gewebl49skcwk1 but who can remember that? Just click the link up there or search for me by artist name: Brassard)

Don't judge... I'm still working on it!

Thanks!